Why I don't eat kale.

I am boycotting kale.

There are very few foods that rub me the wrong way, and kale is one of them. Ketchup is another. I know, that is so un-American.

It may not be the kale's fault, but the people who swear by it. People brag constantly that they are getting more fiber than you, like that makes them better. I get plenty of fiber. I don't stoop to following the latest kale trend.

2012: " I'm so much better than you because I made gluten-free pancakes from scratch!"
2013: "I'm so much better than you because I made a kale shake in my Nutri-bullet this morning and shit green."

Good for you. Really.

Na-na na-na boo-boo stick your head in doo-doo. I don't care how good kale is for you, I'm not putting it in my mouth unless I somehow lose partial sensation of my taste buds. Now which taste buds would those be? Sweet, no. Um, salty. Not really. Bitter. Getting closer. Is there a taste bud for dirt?

"But, it's so delicious," you say.

Every time someone says kale tastes good, they usually follow it up with, "Yeah, I just put some apples, raisins, and lemon juice on it, and it's so yummy."

So, what they are really telling me is - "Apples, raisins, and lemon juice are delicious." I don't disagree with that. Also, baking it into chips with a bunch of salt, or deep frying it? Of course that tastes good.

A nod to one friend who admits she likes kale plain, and raw. Wow, that takes stamina!

I like broccoli. I could eat broccoli cooked, uncooked, with or without salt and pepper, I could eat it with a box, I could eat it with a fox. But, I wouldn't call it "delicious." Food that needs to be disguised is not worth eating. Someone asked me, "Isn't this the same with all leafy green vegetables?" Yes, I also add other items and dressing to my arugula salad, but the taste of plain arugula doesn't make me cringe.

Kale is the worst nutritional fad since wheat grass. Speaking of grass, I'm sure grass has some valuable nutrients, but human beings don't eat it - because it doesn't taste good. If you do like the taste of kale, clearly you are an animal.

Rrrrawwwrrr.

This is ornamental kale, and they plant it in our courtyard at work. Do you know why they plant it there? Because animals won't eat it. Oh, the irony.

Women's Multi-Vitamins have 100% of everything that kale has except Vitamin K and Calcium. So, one multi-vitamin per day, a huge helping of brussel sprouts, and a glass of milk. Sounds much better than eating kale.

I am not obsessive-compulsive enough to try and eat anything on the daily, let alone something as horrendous as kale. Do you see the bunches they sell kale in? They are HUGE. There is so much kale there that you would have to eat it every day! Sources say that kale smells like farts after sitting in the refrigerator for a couple of days. I am banning kale from my refrigerator so my house doesn't smell like farts.

I found a recipe for Crazy Sexy Kale. Kale is not sexy. It makes you poo. Poo is not sexy. Necessary, but not sexy.

That's right, make your kale shake. I will save myself from drinking my food until I'm in a hospital bed and can no longer feed myself. Living off of shakes is no way to live your life. There is too much of a sensation to chewing, biting, and enjoying your food. If you are on some kind of a liquid diet, I feel sorry for you.

I read an article lately where a mom was bragging because her kids ate kale, raw, and without any kind of dressing. Your children are scared of you, and quite possibly hate you. They sneak chicken nuggets at their friend, Billy's, house and don't tell you. I feel bad for them. Billy's mom feels bad for them too and sneaks them a couple of extra nuggets, with ketchup - another vile substance.

I'm not saying you should eat crap. Fruits and veggies are very important, but kale is not a mythical dietary secret we've all been waiting for. Even kale has some nutritional issues. If we really looked at food as fuel, and didn't care about the taste or the social aspects of eating food, then we would all just live off of feeding tubes. That's no way to live.

Remember the movie Soyent Green - Soylent Green is made of people.

Don't eat people because someone tells me to. I don't care how nutritious they are.

I also don't eat kale.

Thank you for listening.

New Season Resolution: Do things that scare you.

The 2014 Triathlon Season is upon us. This was the year I decided to do more short-course (Sprint and Olympic-distance) events to see if I can be somewhat competitive in my new age group. That's right everyone: I celebrated my age group birthday on January 1st along with 1/5 of all other triathletes. They age you up, so even though I don't turn 35 until August, I am in the 35-39 age group starting now.

While I'm working on short course triathlon, why not sign up for another half Ironman-distance event in May?  Ok, my short-course only year didn't work out exactly as planned, but at least I didn't sign up for Ironman Canada. I considered it for about a week. Maybe 2015?

My year is chalk-full of events that scare me though. Here's the plan with a 1-5 rating of how much they scare the bejeezus out of me.

Kaiser Half Marathon
13.1 mile run, San Francisco, CA - February 2 
Rating: 1
This half marathon does not scare me. It will be fun, and good training.

Solvang Century Ride 
100 mile bike ride, Solvang, CA - March 8 
Rating: 4
Mostly what scares the shit out of me is the ability to train this winter when it's raining and cold. Here is where I get a big boo-hoo from my friends in the Midwest who probably laugh at precipitation and 30 degree temps.

March Triathlon Series Olympic 
.93 mile swim / 24.8 mile bike / 6.2 mile run, Lake Lopez, Arroyo Grande, CA - March 23 
Rating: 2
Sure, I'd like to kick butt at my first Olympic of the year, but my strategy is to get out there, enjoy the day and see what I can do. No pressure racing.

Wildflower Triathlon Long Course
1.2 mile swim / 56 mile bike / 13.1 mile run, Bradley / Lake San Antonio, CA - May 3 
Rating: 4
The Olympic course scared the shit out of me last year, once I realized the choppy waters of Lake San Antonio were not kind and further, my rented wet suit squeezed the crap out of me. I got out of the water feeling totally defeated. It was kind of uphill/downhill after that (pun intended). Not my best race. So why not do the long course to show that course who's boss? *gulp*

Alcatraz Challenge Swim
1.5 mile swim, The Bay, San Francisco, CA - June 29
Rating: 5
My plan between May and the end of June is really focus on swimming. It will take many weekends in the ocean to prepare mentally and physically (mostly mentally). I'm not in this to race, per se, and I don't really care if I'm one of the last people out of the water as long as the safety boat doesn't mind waiting around for me a little longer. If I can jump off of a boat positioned more than a mile off of the shore, and plunge into the San Francisco Bay, and then swim approximately 1.5 miles, then I can pretty much do anything.

Trans Tahoe Relay Swim
Swim relay, Lake Tahoe, NV/CA - July 19
Rating: 1
After two years of doing this event, this should be the best year ever. We have our team, we have our house, we now know what a "low profile Malibu" is. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Donner Lake Olympic Triathlon
.93 mile swim / 24.8 mile bike / 6.2 mile run, Donner Lake, CA - July 27
Rating: 2
This event doesn't scare me, as much as I just want to do well. I should be elevation-ready after a week in Tahoe, and hopefully I'll get a couple of workouts in at altitude while vacationing in Kings Beach. Yes, this is how I spend my vacations now: tapering for triathlons. What about it?

Age Group Olympic Nationals
.93 mile swim / 24.8 mile bike / 6.2 mile run, Milwaukee, WI - August 9
Rating: 4
Please note. I am not going to the Olympics,  nor will I qualify for the Olympics. The "Olympic" Triathlon just means the course is the same distance they do at the Olympics. If some of you thought that I am going to the Olympics - God bless you for thinking I am awesome, but I hate to inform you that is not the case. The reality is, I will work very hard to be in the top of the bottom 25% of finishers in my age group. (Not even overall.) Going to a national competition is scary. Will I be the last one out of the water? Will people laugh at me? I know I should put all of that aside, and just have the best race and be the best I can be. But, it's pretty intimidating to be on the same playing field with people who are really, really good. I will go for the experience, and I will not be the last person out of the water!

Marine Corps Marathon (pending lottery)
26.2 mile run, Washington D.C. - October 26
Rating: 1
I'm not scared to run another marathon. Remember the rating system is for scary, not difficult. Marathons are difficult. But, I've heard this is a great event with all kinds of clean cut men calling you "ma'am" and handing you electrolytes. Sounds like my kind of race!

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's . . . Photostock Girl!

I really hate exercise blogs and the photos they use. The people depicted in these photos are not normal people. They are models. If you want to see pictures of real athletes, use Google and look up the top women runners of all time and see what a professional athlete looks like. If you want to see what an amateur athlete looks like, go to a race site and look at some race photos of people who ranked 10th in their age group, or 100th. All of them are athletes. Athletes don't typically have a lack of sweat glands, perfect hair, or for that matter, a smile on their face. No one looks that good when they exercise.

In addition to the people they chose for these photos, these models aren't even outfitted correctly. They wear things you shouldn't wear to lift weights, or worse -

In preparation for the Solvang Century ride in March, I searched the web for a beginners training plan and found this article from Shape Magazine: Ride More than 100 Miles in 8 Weeks. Anyone see a problem with that picture? If you are a true beginner - maybe not. Let me help you. See the bike? It's a mountain bike, or maybe even a hybrid.

For the love of God do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT train for a century ride on a mountain bike or hybrid. YOU WILL DIE. Ok, all extremities aside. A picture is worth a thousand words. And in this case - it was all kinds of wrong.

A mountain bike is made for mountain trails, and a hybrid is made for, well, picking up groceries or going for a ride in the park. Neither are made for a 100 mile road cycling event - they are way too heavy and don't have the proper components. Does a magazine intended to promote women's exercise not know the difference? They should.

My favorite triathlon writer, Susan Lacke, wrote a brilliant article that poked some fun at lame stock photos. After I read it, and posted it for other's amusement, it seems it was taken down. (I wonder if the stock photo site people got upset.) So, you just have to believe me. It was funny.

Because my blog is not as public, or for that matter, not as well written as an article by Susan, I'm going to take a chance and post some photo evidence I've found recently.

Ever since I read Susan's article, one Photostock girl in particular keeps rearing her skinny arms and perfect hair in my face. She is everything America's Next Top Model would want: she looks young, she is a size 2 or smaller, and she is racially ambiguous.

I feel like she is taunting me.

She is in my Facebook feed, not even breaking a sweat. And she brought a friend.

She was on a pamphlet I received in my Chicago Marathon swag bag.

She is being used to promote online training tools. 

Even the Jewish Community Center is using her image to run promotions.

Who is Photostock Girl and where did she come from? I hope she is at least making a profit from all of her posing. I would like to find Photostock Girl and challenge her to a race and see what she's really made of. I would like to see if she looks that good without editing. Maybe she is more than a poser.

Where are you Photostock Girl? I challenge you.

Being A Girl: The Holiday Edition

Sometimes I feel like I failed big time at being a girl. This is magnified at the holidays when I receive the perfect gift from a friend, or read a well-written 2013 year in review. Am I not creative? Am I not thoughtful? Why don't I enjoy decorating? Did I somehow not receive some kind of domestic/baking gene that seemingly 90% of women have? Am I a failure to all woman-kind?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??

(Sorry too much sugar from a work colleague, who gave me homemade caramels, carefully twisted into lovely brown non-stick wrappers.)

Every holiday season I go to Trader Joe's and buy the biggest poinsettia I can find. It is much prettier and takes up much less room than a Christmas tree. Plus, buying a tree means you have to buy ornaments, and you have to store those somewhere, and Lordy who has time for all of that decorating? (I would totally be one of those people who leaves up their Christmas lights all year if I had a house to decorate.)

Most of the decoration around my place is my Christmas mural, which is the fireplace mantel covered in holiday cards from friends and family. I really love the cards, so keep them coming!

I thought about sending a holiday card this year - especially when my boyfriend grew out his mustache for Movember. Most women with significant others in the Movember or No-shave November movement hate it. I thought it was epic. For one month, I got to live with a handsome hipster man and my boyfriend didn't mind.

I digress. What do I put on a holiday card anyway? As much as I think finishing a half Ironman is a momentous occasion, it seemed wrong to put a picture of a sweaty Suzanne on a card and send it out to all of my friends and family. The proper message for a holiday card seems to be only family related: new baby, what the kids are doing, family vacations, weddings. That's it: no triathlons, no marathons, no new jobs, no we-are-doing-great-living-together-in-sin.

Stop asking us when we are getting married. Happy Holidays!

The thing I like most about the holidays is music. It's the only time when it's okay for American society to admit that they like choral and orchestral music, and further admit that they like Julie Andrew's version of "Favorite Things" better than Carrie Underwood's version. I think it's sad that I have to set my DVR to record St. Olaf Choir's Christmas concert, which is on at 2 AM here. But, at least the good quality, Virgin Mary, baby Jesus in Jerusalem songs are still out there. I'm not religious either. Traditional holiday music is a good, quality reminder that insane commercialism and Black Friday specials are NOT the reason for the season. Whether you are into WWJD or not, find some peace and love in your souls, people.

I went to a fabulous holiday concert sung by my fabulous friends in Resounding Achord. They do a good mix of highly classical selections and they also do some standard Christmas tunes.

Shopping is a chore, and shopping for other people is near impossible. Unless I know you really need something, I don't know what to get you. Furthermore, there is nothing more lifeless and soul sucking than walking 2 miles from the closest parking spot into a mall where, people are become mad, pre-holiday trolls. I've worked retail over the holidays, and let me tell you - the sales people hate the holidays. Contrary to what the holidays should be, customers are rude, pushy, the lie to get deals, and are generally a bunch of a-holes. I tend to go to boutiques and buy fewer things and spend 30% more. Also, thank God for the Internet.

Guess whose credit card information was safe this season? Mine! :)

Once in awhile, I do get the itch to bake. Oh, and when I say itch, I mean it - I am allergic to flour. Not eating flour, but having flour around in the air. It makes my nose and ears itch something awful, and then I start to sneeze all over the kitchen. If you want my sneezed-on cookies, I make exactly two kinds: pumpkin/walnut/raisin, (which no one seems to like except a former neighbor - sad he moved), and chocolate chip.

I can't possibly eat all of the sugary stuff offered to me on a daily basis every day since October. So, why create more?

I made some banana bread. Go me.

Amidst all of this winter/holiday self-loathing, I did do something rather crafty this winter. . .

I was recently convinced that even I can sew a quilt made out of my old race t-shirts. It took two full afternoons, lots of mentoring, and fear of getting my finger poked with a racing needle, but I survived and even made something useful. Will I do it again? Eh, not sure. Aside from the fact that races don't give out cotton t-shirts anymore, I don't know how much patience I have to make sewing a regular thing. Oh, and there also takes so much thought about the process, what fabric to use, patterns... it's mind blowing. I feel the same about knitting. It would be nice to make holiday gifts for friends, but have a hard time sitting for a long time, or working on something so intricate.

I will be a terrible old lady.

Lulu Lessons

As you are all aware, I own a fair amount of Lululemon clothing. I have two pair of black running Capri pants that I wear interchangeably. The oldest pair goes to most events because they are the most comfortable, and I've been wearing them for about seven years. The second pair, I bought two years ago, and the quality is not as good as the first; I am seeing a lot of wear, and there is now a hole in the thigh area. I believe this newest pair was purchased before the "sheer" era, or at least no one has told me that they can see through them. (Or maybe I should say, "Thanks a lot, jerks!"). I may give Lulu's pants another chance, but I'm not going to complain too much about a hole in a pair of pants (on the seam) that I've worn twice a week for two years.

I also like their tops, bras, and my fall/spring jacket with the nifty built in gloves.

The controversies surrounding Lulu in the last few years are upsetting. Part of your job as a CEO or marketing professional is to keep your company profitable, manage customer's expectations, and sell your image. Clearly, they missed out on some opportunities to take some Lemons and make Lemonade.

Here are a few ideas they should have considered that may have helped their image, and their sales:

1.) Make pants with different thicknesses: Some women love sheer pants. We know this because we still see plenty of women wearing them! Why not give those women what they want? Sheer for those who want to show some skin, regular for those of us who want to be able to touch our toes without showing our butt crack, and maybe even a thick pant for those colder months.

2.) Be earth friendly: Lulu could have taken a more earth-mother approach to the sheer pants, and donated the fabric to a worthy organization. I'm sure there is a good humanitarian use for all of that Luon. Maybe mosquito nets for children in Africa?

3.) Don't blame shit on your customers: I see nothing wrong with saying, "We try to create clothing that will be comfortable for most women. We can not make clothing that will be perfect for everyone, but we have many satisfied customers. We are open to suggestions about how to make our clothing better." That's it. Don't mention thighs (especially if you are a male), or say there is nothing wrong with your product. Someone should have given the CEO a speech coach is ultimately the problem here.

4.) Don't let your douche CEO talk on TV: Maybe Chip Wilson is part of the image problem. (Well, he definitely is now, in light of his comments on Bloomberg.) You should get to know someone before you judge who they really are. But, there is truth in stereotypes. Doesn't anyone else think that purchasing women's yoga wear from Chip Wilson sounds a little funny... no? Yes?

5.) Hire Suzanne: These  people should hire me. I have some good ideas. Luon mosquito nets - um, genius. They've tried to get into cycling gear, and haven't made an impact yet. I have some ideas.

Ok Seriously though . . .

Lululemon's CEO, Chip Wilson, kind of seems like a douche. But, I still like LLL clothing. Michael Jackson's questionable lifestyle never deterred me from listening to his music, and I would be sad to lose "Bad" or "Smooth Criminal" on my iPod mix. I've decided to continue to wear luon.

Companies definitely need to keep their products awesome and their image clean in order to be popular with the public. But, ultimately, remember folks: Companies do NOT have an obligation to meet every person's fit criteria, or to fit every body type. They are out there to make money, and they have to pick a target market. If you don't like them, or they don't fit you - don't wear them.

Love your body. Find a brand that fits you well.

P.S.
My thighs rub together too.

Reset button

There is a reason the reset button exists. The button was invented for your safety; it was invented so you don't electrocute or burn yourself. The reset button can be frustrating, and can cause panic. That moment of panic when you realize your appliance isn't working and you go through a moment of, "Why the hell isn't this thing working anymore!? It worked just fine yesterday!" before you realize with a gentle push of the button, things start working properly again.

Last Friday, I got out of the office for an hour to run 6 miles and felt like I was going to lose my lunch, or pop a knee cap or something. Maybe it was the gin martini (or two) I drank the night before, or the Chipotle burrito. Ugh. I felt so belch-y. It is amazing that you can spend months on building up your fitness, then it takes, er, about a month and you seem to lose it completely.

The past few weeks have been tough. Since February I've been on the up and up, improving weekly, feeling sore in a good way, and growing a lot. After the Chicago marathon I took a week off, and just haven't gotten back into things like I was hoping to. Problemo numero uno is that I have no immediate fitness goals this winter besides just keeping up with things so it's not too hard to kick butt early next spring. I don't feel it is necessary to be spending two or more hours a day training this winter. Second, I feel like I should be giving my body a break anyway. Third, it is darker and colder and I have less motivation. And finally . . .

I thought gluttony and lethargy was something people enjoy . . .

It feels pretty terrible.

I just returned from a few days visiting my parents in Arizona. I got in a 3 mile treadmill run, a little core workout, another 6 mile run outside in 83 degree heat (5:30 at night!), and a short swim. (Digression: I've been looking for help with my swim stroke, and guess who helped - my dad. Sheesh, he was right there the whole time!)

Now that I'm back in my routine at home - It is time to set the reset button. I'm not exactly sure what next year has in store for me, but I'm just happier when I'm moving. It's never too late to start training for Wildflower (in May). Maybe I'll do the long course . . .

Signs of Winter

New Calendar
Seriously, even with my job as a professional scheduler/organizer, I still can't get myself into the 21st century, and prefer to scratch personal meetings and other tidbits on a paper organizer. Typically not the flowery type, I received a Vera Bradley organizer for my birthday four years ago, and now I buy one every year. This year the store at Santana Row didn't have any!! I thought, "Clearly this is a sign that I should join the digital age." Disaster averted, I found one online (note the irony). Here's to another year on paper!

Closet Reorganization
Last Sunday I skipped the workout, and reorganized my closet. It is time to put the summer clothes away, and start a Goodwill bag for those items not used in the past season, or anything (mostly shoes) that are toast from over-wear. Then, it is time to assess if I am thrilled with any of my fall/winter clothes from last year. If I were to put as much effort into my regular clothing as I am in triathlon gear, we'd be in business. For some reason I am proud when I need a new pair of running shoes, but completely irritated when I have to buy a new pair of heels or ballet flats for work. I think it's because the length of my pant legs are dependent on the shoe and heel. So, new shoes might mean new pants. It's all downhill from there.

Speaking of shoes. I think my feet have shrunk. At least the right one. Is this possible, or are shoe sizes getting larger?

Bike Trainer
I bought a bike trainer - it's a contraption you hook to the back wheel of your bike so you an ride indoors. It's kind of like spin class on your own bike. Ok it is exactly like a spin class on your own bike without the features of an actual class: i.e. other people, an instructor, accountability. So, now I'm on the lookout for videos/apps/sheer motivation to ride this thing on my own as needed because it's too dark to ride at night. I will pray that the weather continues to be lovely on the weekends so I can ride for real . . .

3 hours on a trainer?? Shoot me now. Luckily Strava just introduced some training videos if you join their Premium plan. I'll take a chance on you for $59.99, Strava.

Stupid Treadmill/Headlamp
Darker nights means - it's treadmill time! I joined a new gym a few months ago, so now I have new faces to stare at while I'm running in place. Time to make winter friends at the gym! I also found my reflective running gear during the closet reorganization and just need to dig out that pesky headlamp.

Cold Swims
This is by far my biggest fear of winter. Swimming when it's cold. Sure, the pool is usually warm but the daunting thought of wearing a swimsuit outside when it's cold then jumping into a chlorinated vat is agonizing. I shouldn't complain - this is California after all. But, it's not easy to find an indoor pool here. And 40 degrees is still 40 degrees. Dark is still dark.

The Good News
Winter will give me some new things to work on. I've decided to NOT train for a marathon in January and focus on some technique, strength training, and doing core workouts until I have rock-hard abs . . . (Rock-hard abs! There I go, dreaming again!). It's time to break it down.