My bike is haunted

My bike is haunted.

She had a flat within the first 5 minutes of my first ride. Of course I didn't have the proper equipment to change the tire because I hadn't even put a saddle bag on yet.

The breaks made a horrible, dull, squeaky sound. Kind of like an eerie haunting noice... boooowaaaahaaahaaa.

Her seat hurt my butt and other lady areas. It was only after 20 miles that I noticed. There was a very uncomfortable 30+ miles that followed.

She decides to skip the chain when I start pedaling from a complete stop. I try to shift down before I stop, but sometimes, when least expected, the chain jams and I have to pedal backwards to get the chain to engage properly.

After observing these problems, I took her in a few times for adjustments and a tune up. I made sure she was stocked with the proper equipment: saddle bag with plenty of tire repair, water bottles, a place to put food and my phone. Oh, and I replaced the seat the day after that horrible butt catastrophe.

But, on Saturday I dropped my chain. WTF!

I have some theories to why this is happening:

1.) The bike is just new and needs continuous adjustment before it settles. (Kind of like an old house settles, but this is a new house, and, oh never mind...)

2.) New bike's sister - the Griffen - is jealous. They share a room together, and at night, the Griffen pokes little holes in her tires or threatens her by saying, "You'd better not ride as well as me, or I'm going to bend your derailler, biatch!" So, it is actually my other bike that is haunted. Not the new bike.

3.) It's me. I'm having some troubles with the new bike and I just need to figure out what is causing them, then change me, not the bike. Generally she is very nice.

Knowing the situation, and having some idea of adjustments that could be made, I took my bike to a recommended bike fitter yesterday. I talked to the fitter for over an hour, and we tried a bunch of different positions. My bike seems to fit better now, at least while sitting on the trainer inside the store. The fitter agreed that I look more comfortable riding. Hopefully these adjustments will make the difference. Anyway, I will take her out for a ride tomorrow, then ride the Barb's Race course on Saturday. If I still feel like she is haunting me, I may decide to use her evil sister. Or maybe hire an exorcist.