Thursday, January 16, 2014

Why I don't eat kale.

I am boycotting kale.
There are very few foods that rub me the wrong way, and kale is one of them. Ketchup is another. I know, that is so un-American.

It may not be the kale's fault, but the people who swear by it. People brag constantly that they are getting more fiber than you, like that makes them better. I get plenty of fiber. I don't stoop to following the latest kale trend.

2012: " I'm so much better than you because I made gluten-free pancakes from scratch!"
2013: "I'm so much better than you because I made a kale shake in my Nutri-bullet this morning and shit green."

Good for you. Really.

Na-na na-na boo-boo stick your head in doo-doo. I don't care how good kale is for you, I'm not putting it in my mouth unless I somehow lose partial sensation of my taste buds. Now which taste buds would those be? Sweet, no. Um, salty. Not really. Bitter. Getting closer. Is there a taste bud for dirt?

"But, it's so delicious," you say.

Every time someone says kale tastes good, they usually follow it up with, "Yeah, I just put some apples, raisins, and lemon juice on it, and it's so yummy."

So, what they are really telling me is - "Apples, raisins, and lemon juice are delicious." I don't disagree with that. Also, baking it into chips with a bunch of salt, or deep frying it? Of course that tastes good.

A nod to one friend who admits she likes kale plain, and raw. Wow, that takes stamina!

I like broccoli. I could eat broccoli cooked, uncooked, with or without salt and pepper, I could eat it with a box, I could eat it with a fox. But, I wouldn't call it "delicious." Food that needs to be disguised is not worth eating. Someone asked me, "Isn't this the same with all leafy green vegetables?" Yes, I also add other items and dressing to my arugula salad, but the taste of plain arugula doesn't make me cringe.

Kale is the worst nutritional fad since wheat grass. Speaking of grass, I'm sure grass has some valuable nutrients, but human beings don't eat it - because it doesn't taste good. If you do like the taste of kale, clearly you are an animal.


This is ornamental kale, and they plant it in our courtyard at work. Do you know why they plant it there? Because animals won't eat it. Oh, the irony.
Women's Multi-Vitamins have 100% of everything that kale has except Vitamin K and Calcium. So, one multi-vitamin per day, a huge helping of brussel sprouts, and a glass of milk. Sounds much better than eating kale.

I am not obsessive-compulsive enough to try and eat anything on the daily, let alone something as horrendous as kale. Do you see the bunches they sell kale in? They are HUGE. There is so much kale there that you would have to eat it every day! Sources say that kale smells like farts after sitting in the refrigerator for a couple of days. I am banning kale from my refrigerator so my house doesn't smell like farts.

I found a recipe for Crazy Sexy Kale. Kale is not sexy. It makes you poo. Poo is not sexy. Necessary, but not sexy.

That's right, make your kale shake. I will save myself from drinking my food until I'm in a hospital bed and can no longer feed myself. Living off of shakes is no way to live your life. There is too much of a sensation to chewing, biting, and enjoying your food. If you are on some kind of a liquid diet, I feel sorry for you.

I read an article lately where a mom was bragging because her kids ate kale, raw, and without any kind of dressing. Your children are scared of you, and quite possibly hate you. They sneak chicken nuggets at their friend, Billy's, house and don't tell you. I feel bad for them. Billy's mom feels bad for them too and sneaks them a couple of extra nuggets, with ketchup - another vile substance.

I'm not saying you should eat crap. Fruits and veggies are very important, but kale is not a mythical dietary secret we've all been waiting for. Even kale has some nutritional issues. If we really looked at food as fuel, and didn't care about the taste or the social aspects of eating food, then we would all just live off of feeding tubes. That's no way to live.

Remember the movie Soyent Green - Soylent Green is made of people.

Don't eat people because someone tells me to. I don't care how nutritious they are.

I also don't eat kale.

Thank you for listening.


  1. Clearly you haven't tried Lacinato Kale, a.k.a Dinosaur Kale.

    P.S. I. Am. An. Animal.

  2. P.P.S. Where do you work!? They have kale gardens!?!? I'm nominating them for 'Best Places to Work 2014.'

    1. I work for a venture capital firm. So, clearly kale is vegetation for those upper class, snob, Tesla-driving, 1%ers. (LOL. I love my company.)

    2. Oh, and if I see you outside of my window nibbling on the ornamental kale, I will have to call security.

  3. Lol comments and yes I agree, kale is basically ass lol